I’m a Strong Independent Woman who DEFINITELY Needs Her Man
There are so many misconceptions around what love and partnership look like for women, in general, but especially for high-powered, career-driven women. I’m here to tell you that both wanting and needing a man can co-exist in a world where we are told that wanting that makes you weak. And before y’all come for me, this is NOT a conservative hot take, this is my narrative of my experience based on how a strong relationship has enhanced many parts of my life in my 20s.
Five Misconceptions About Relationships with Independent Women
Independent and high powered women want the same things out of a partnership as all women: support, honesty, accountability, and trust.
We know the tropes, the myths, and the cultural narrative, but all they really amount to are nothing more than misconceptions meant to tear down woman for fitting into non-traditional roles.
Because there are so many misconceptions about how these women show up in the world, it even makes it hard to understand how partnership can empower them as well.
Let’s untangle a few of these misconceptions, because what we’re not going to do is continue to slander the strong girlies out here in these streets.
Misconception #1:
Independent Women Don’t Want or Need a Partner
Independent women value interdependence, just as all humans do. We are social creatures that are not conditioned to do life on our own, so why would that be true? We can be self-sufficient while also desiring a supportive and equal partnership.
It also doesn’t mean self-sufficiency in all areas of our lives. Independent women appreciate partners who offer support without always assuming that we can handle things.
Misconception #2:
Independent Women are Too Strong-Minded
Let’s just agree right here that strong-mindedness is seen as an undesirable trait because society expects women to be meek and docile so as to not threaten the ego and social status of men. If strong-mindedness is a desirable trait in a partner when the partner is a male, why can’t it also be true for a female partner?
Strength and independence also do not diminish our ability to collaborate. We appreciate partners who respect our opinions, challenge us, contribute to shared decisions, and treat us as equals instead of always defaulting to us as the leader.
Misconception #3:
Independent Women are Intimidating
I am not intimidating, you are intimidated. Confidence is attractive, period. Partners who are intimidated by a woman’s independence have some deep-rooted insecurity that require them to be in a relationship with a woman who needs them instead of a woman who wants them. There’s power and control that comes with being needed.
Partners who can appreciate our strength instead of feeling threatened by it know that a relationship built on true partnership instead of co-dependency are much more fulfilling.
Misconception #4:
Independent Women are Too Busy
You really think I got to this point in my life because I struggle with time management? Be for real. Independent women are pros at prioritizing relationships that matter. If you tried to get with a self-sufficient woman and it didn’t work out because she had ‘no time’, it was you, not her.
Because of my story and where I’ve been, it’s incredibly important to me that the people and things that I spend my time with, pour into, and add value to, are also ones that bring value to me. If the relationship is not worth the time investment and doesn’t add value to my life in a meaningful way, then it’s okay to deprioritize that person or thing. No hard feelings. When you know, you know.
Misconception #5:
Independent Women are Overly Demanding
Having standards is healthy and if you can’t meet them, then just say that instead. Independent women expect mutual respect, communication, and shared responsibility. We also are pros at holding our partners accountable to those values. We are unapologetic about wanting to be treated with love, dignity, and respect.
How our partners show up for us and show our value is important, and if I am extremely clear in telling you how I would like to be treated and you are unable to meet that expectation, then it’s okay for me to choose myself. Because that’s what we’re doing this season anyway!
Five Ways Love Empowers Independent Women
Now that we’ve covered a few misconceptions about relationships with independent women, let’s talk about how true partnership and love can be a source of fulfillment and empowerment for women. Current societal expectations of womanhood often misunderstand and villainize the concept of strong, independent women when in reality, we are just women who navigate the world in non-traditional ways.
For me, projecting my persona of a ‘do-it-all’ woman who can handle it all on her own is exhausting, and frankly, unrealistic. I will always lean on my man. When the persona of how I show up to the world meets the person I am at home, damsel in distress me, please, okay?
While I’m not going to say anything about “leaning into my feminine energy” because the podcast bros will probably “I told y’all so” to death, my relationship with him does makes me a better woman, and there’s a few reasons why.
There’s Strength in Vulnerability
If I were to ask people who don’t know me very well what my personality is like, or what their first impression of me was, their descriptions would probably describe someone who is aloof, aggressive, intimidating, overly serious, or my favorite, “I couldn’t tell if you liked me or not”.
But people who do know me well, and ESPECIALLY Justin, know the truth:
I’m soft, AF.
Don’t get me wrong. When in professional settings, unfamiliar social dynamics, or other public spaces, I understand exactly why I get characterized this way. In a forthcoming blog post I’ll talk about what it looks like for me to show up as just one version of myself in a professional space and more about why this makes sense.
But in reality, I’m soft as hell y’all. I like to watch feel good movies that make me cry, watching my niece grow up makes me cry, thinking about crying makes me cry; it is what it is. However, only people who are close to me ever get to see that side of me, and my relationship is one that allows me to let my guard down enough to truly and fully be myself.
I’ve come to learn that my vulnerability is one of my biggest strengths, and the emotional connection that I’ve built with my partner is because of my willingness to be vulnerable. BUT (and it’s a big BUT), before being with Justin, I could NEVER find myself letting anyone anywhere near the walls I tend to keep up, let alone breaking them down.
When we began dating, it was very clear that I was going to be tough to crack, but instead of letting it push him away he continued to chip away bit by bit. What did this look like? Showing up, asking questions, being consistent, being trustworthy, giving respect, challenging me to grow, and laying the foundation of our partnership.
I’ll let him tell his side of the story, but moral of my story? I’m all the better for it.
There’s Benefits to Partnership and Support
So let me yell y’all. I met my man in 2019 when I was going through the peak of my “I Got It” phase. I was two years fresh out of college and over 1,000 miles away from my closest family and friends. I had my own place, my own car, was paying my way through grad school, and was even working two jobs at one point. Webbie was definitely talking about me in that song, okay?
I definitely was not looking to be in a relationship, and I was also SO unhappy. During this part of my career story, I was questioning so much about my decision to move to Miami and to teach, and I was feeling so alone and lost. If you read my post on my natural hair journey, you should remember that this also was around the time that I shaved my hair off. While heat damage was about 50% of the reason, the other 50% was because my mental health was in the gutter.
While we initially connected because of our shared ambition and hustle, our paths became intertwined during a time when we both just really needed a good friend. What started off as a friendship became so much more, and the rest is history.
He helped yank me out of a very dark season of my life that felt suffocating and overwhelming. I know now that it’s because I was trying to do it all myself. Sometimes, it’s okay to ask for help, instead of insisting that we can have it all. The beauty that came out of the experience is that not only did I grow into who I am today, is that I now have the best person that I could ever ask to do life with.
Interdependence > Independence
Interdependence doesn't diminish independence my independence at all, and actually enhances it in many ways. What this really looks like is finding each other’s strengths to enhance the partnership. We rely on each other for almost everything, and our relationship works because we play on each others strengths instead of societal expectations of what a man or woman should do in a romantic relationship.
As an example of something my partner does that is pretty consistent with societal norms for a man in a heterosexual relationship, my partner does all of the driving. I genuinely don’t drive anymore. At all. I honestly only have a driver’s license for emergencies at this point. To be honest, I always hated driving, and my partner knows this.
One of my biggest love languages is acts of service, so after a long day of putting out little fires, being all things for all people, and sometimes forgetting to take care of myself, one of the easiest ways he can show up for me is by taking just one more thing off my plate.
On the contrary, as a somewhat surprising example, he also does all of the laundry. I cannot tell y’all the last time I washed my own clothes. I’m talking sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting the clothes away, even keeping track of the dry cleaning. He does it all! When I can’t find my favorite pants? He knows where they’re at. When I’m looking for our matching pajamas? He knows where they’re at. Whether or not a jacket has been dropped off at the dry cleaners? He has the answer.
The balance between self-reliance and relying on a partner is a beautiful thing. I show up for him as hard as he shows up for me, and it changes the narrative from me against the world into us against the world.
Your Light Shines Brighter
Go best friend, that’s my best friend! If nobody on this earth is going to gas me, then my man definitely will. And imma gas him up right back! Since being together, we have both hit so many personal and professional milestones that would’ve been much harder to accomplish without each other.
We are both highly analytical people who don’t rush to make decisions without a plan, and sometimes it means that we sit on a decision or an idea for weeks or months before making a move. What’s different now is that when we have a new project or idea in the lab, we hold each other accountable.
The distorted thoughts of “what if it doesn’t work” turn into, “what if it does”. Asking “what if people judge me” becomes “and so what if they do”. It’s like I’ve become fearless – we champion each other’s move at every step.
If it weren’t for Justin, I would’ve never even started this blog. This idea has been living rent free in my head for years, so much so that my brother has been harassing me about it any chance that he gets. I finally decided to just go for it after Justin pretty much just told me to get over myself and buy the domain name. (Sorry Ben).
The Power of “We vs. “Me”
Having someone to help you overcome challenges has been an empowering advantage that continues to bring us closer together.
I already mentioned how my relationship began during a challenging season in my life, but during good times it’s been even better. When it comes to us, mutual support and love gives us both a sense of belonging and security. Our lives are now a harmonious thread that is woven together as opposed to two separate entities.
Creating the story of us has also been more fulfilling than creating the story of me. Knowing that I have someone to plan ahead with, that will leave my wishes and desires in consideration, and continuously show up for me makes the future seem just that little bit less scary.
Navigating challenges and life together as a couple will always be better than navigating them alone. I am grateful that I have the support that I need to continue to grow into the best version of me.
At the end of the day, the purpose of a romantic relationship varies from person to person, but it generally, involves companionship, emotional support, mutual growth, and shared experiences. Partnerships often contribute to a sense of fulfillment, love, and connection, providing a foundation for building a life together and navigating the challenges that come with it.
As a woman who has been for her entire life, I was always scared that I might not be lucky enough to experience what this partnership could look like. After all, we’re inundated with the narrative that it’s not possible, especially when you’re a black woman. I’m blessed to be able to say that my truth has proven to be otherwise, and I hope that I continue to grow more and more each day.
Let me know in the comments what your experiences with love and relationships has been like!
